Mostly bad jokes, videos and pix .

Walking Eagle!!!!
Michael Ignatieff was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation in B.C. this summer.
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living if he were elected Prime Minister.. He assured them he was always urging the present government to address more of the native community's concerns.

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Ignatieff with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud Ignatieff then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Ignatieff. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Marriage counselling


Eileen and her husband Bob went for counselling after 35 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had
endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Eileen to stand,
unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed
her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow.

Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least
three times a week.. Can you do this?'

Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.'

Priorities!!

http://www.moscowtopnews.com/

You know... some people are going to think all that's real...

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded."I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

Three years ago, Chinese calendar year of the cow... Mad Cow Disease.

Two years ago, Chinese calendar year of the bird... Avian Flu.

This year, Chinese calendar year of the pig... Swine Flu.

Next year is the year of the cock... Anybody else worried???

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

The Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare.. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter paused.. then said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he
will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided.

You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas
holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part
of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her
mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.

A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."


The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"


The social worker said, "Yeah, well. You started it."

Good one!

Three cowboys were seated around the campfire out on the lonesome
sagebrush prairie and with the pride for which these men were famous; it wasa night of bravado, a night of tall tales..

Tom, the hand from Idaho says, 'I must be the strongest, meanest,
toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the
corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns
with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth.'

Ben, from Montana, couldn't stand to be bested.. That's nothing, 'I
was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with mybare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp and didn'teven get a belly ache.'

Old Dungus Bob, the cowboy from Wyoming, remained silent, slowly
stirring the campfire coals with his pecker.

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way..

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers .

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat..


21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

double groaners..

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, the wars, lost jobs, Savings, Social Security, retirement Funds, my health, etc.......

I called Lifeline.

Got a freakin' Call Center in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'



Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.



Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet.. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.



Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING ?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch....




Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.



Nominated as the world's best short joke..
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mum', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.