Mostly bad jokes, videos and pix .

Mad Wife Disease


A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.

"What was that for?" he asked.

"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it," she replied.

"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation "

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold.

When he came to, he asked, "What the heck was that for?"

She replied... "Your horse called."

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
>> Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after
>> a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
>> When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over. 'What
>> happened, Grandpa?' he is asked by his concerned children.
>>
>> 'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom.
>> So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine,
>> so I put it back!'
>>

"Your horse called."

omg Rosie...
the Viagra one is hilarious..

Good ones..

Blind man in a biker bar . . .

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his

way to a bar stool and orders a beer.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna

hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice,

the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is

only fair -- given that you are blind -- that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,

"No . . . Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

What balls..

Which is probably what HE'S saying now too..... WHAT balls?

lol..
I'm surprised he could mumble past them..



How bout this one ladies...
Man cold..

And don't we gals know it's just the case..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rXLHWmjA5IE

I had one of those.
Man cold.
Near death experience I must say.

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.' .and indicated the sender with a nod of his head

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman

The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your
garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants '

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read: 'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a
Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen , Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back.'

hehehehehehehehehe.....

Like she's gonna..

If this isn't a sick joke it should be.
ps. Don't forget your golf sticks Junkies..

$4M TO SEND BUREAUCRATS ON FIELD TRIPS

Program to prepare public servants for senior posts
BY JOHN IVISONNational Post, with files from Canwest News Service jivison@nationalpost.com
OTTAWA • It used to that you had to join the navy to see the world — now you just have to enlist in the senior ranks of the federal government bureaucracy.
The public service this week launched what it calls the Advanced Leadership Program that will send 25 of the country’s top bureaucrats to major cities in North America, Europe, Asia and Africa to experience “leading edge thinkers and companies.” The intention is to prepare them to occupy the senior positions that will become
available when the Baby Boom generation retires.

The six-month program will cost taxpayers nearly $4-million — not including lost productivity from the absence of senior bureaucrats — as the group takes in trips such as a visit to a refugee camp in Africa, a meeting with the mayor of Boston and a stop at NATO headquarters in Brussels.

The program was dismissed as a “boondoggle” by one Conservative, who said that an attempt to block it was foiled by the office of Canada’s top bureaucrat, Kevin Lynch, who has made renewal in the public service his personal mission.
Mr. Lynch, whose title is Clerk of the Privy Council, has emphasized the need to reinvigorate a public service where the average age of assistant deputy ministers is 53. He told public servants in a major speech after being appointed that senior executives in the public service need better and more focused development plans and courses.

A former deputy minister of finance and Executive Director of the International Monetary Fund, Mr. Lynch was appointed to the powerful post less than a year ago by Prime Minister Stephen Harper, replacing a previous Liberal appointee.

Last fall, he launched a hiring campaign, ordering the recruitment of at least 3,000 new university and college graduates into full-time jobs by the end of March. It was the biggest influx of new, young public servants since the 1970s. Mr. Lynch plans on hiring 175 human resource officers and compensation specialists, 100 communication or information specialists and about 340 finance officers at the executive, middle and entry
levels.

The Canada School of Public Service, which will administer the travel program, estimates each bureaucrat will spend $40,000 on domestic and foreign travel over the course of three three-week sessions. Participants, most of whom are at assistant deputy minister level (one rung below the most senior bureaucrats), will visit
Canada’s North, Washington and China. In addition, there will be a number of side trips where small groups of public servants visit other cities around the globe.

This is the first week of the program and a number of participants have been in Montreal visiting aerospace company CAE.

“The intent of the program is to expose people to the key forces influencing Canada,” said a spokeswoman, who pointed out that this requires site visits, rather than sitting in hotel rooms. She said that the development program was cost competitive with private sector equivalents.
http://digital.nationalpost.com/epaper/viewer.aspx

I just love Andy Rooney--he's so grumpy! I've done his hold on please thingy twice so far today, it's amazing how long some telemarketers will hold on waiting...waiting...before they give up.

I used to save jumkmal and send it to the Postmaster, no postage necessary. It's fun to get back at these idiots. Guess I'm just as grumpy as Andy.



Tips for Handling Telemarketers?

Three Little Words That Work !!
(1)The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..."

Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.

This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real" sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer !!!

(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.

Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 37 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back.

It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the we ight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

One of Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 39 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of thei R own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE
E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS.......

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"Damn Bob, you're hung!" Jim exclaims.

"I wasn't always this impressive, I had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well, every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter. I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it."

Jim agrees and the two say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied, "I did what you said, Bob, but I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well, I was out of butter, so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco!!?" Bob exclaimed!! "Damn it, Jim, Crisco is shortening!"



MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

As I mature.....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better have big boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!

I've learned that 99% of the time that something isn't working in your house, one of the kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.